blessed.

The Christian life is such an interesting one. We are constantly in this half-broken, half-exalted state. God, in His indescribable mercy, lifts us and blesses us and makes such a big deal out of us for everything. Working our lives together, He orchestrates our joys and glories and our trips and falls to bring us to a height that just glimpses His so-much-more-than-beautiful face to us. And as soon as we actually catch the glimpse from our divinely elevated status, we see again by just what mercy we are there. We remember the twisted and faltering feet we walk on, and the busted shoulders from our constant resistance, and the muddied hands we sheepishly raise in a momentary pause from grasping at the dirt we fill our lives with. It's true- we don't deserve the title and place we've been given as God's children. And how much more precious that He, our all-knowing and still proud Father, continues to raise us to new heights by no obligation. He goes to such great lengths to honor us, when He, ever more clearly, deserves so much more honor than we could begin to offer.

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" -1 John 3:1.

I am indeed humbled by such a Love.

outside my window.

The brokenness and hurt in this world tears my heart to pieces. We live in a place with such incredible beauty, and yet such devastating pain--it's hard to reconcile the two coexisting. i tend to stay enamored with the hopeful scenes, and continue to be caught in awe of the wonder that makes up this place, but there are (often too unexpected) moments that shatter my colorful window of the world. It's those moments that break me for what i couldn't possibly begin to comprehend. Too many children lose their innocence here. Too many fragile hearts are bottled or crushed or stolen. Or given up on. And it's part of this place. It is a devastation that is engrained in the only home we know. The dark and dank corners have displaced the life that should be cared about and cherished and healed. It's broken.

i have often been told that i live a blessed life. i agree wholeheartedly. It is clear to me that my life is different than almost anybody else i meet. My life has always been a gift, filled with sunshine and rainbows and a spirit of truth always coming through to meet me. i have experienced difficult and painful things, but have always been carried through. It is becoming more and more clear to me just how many damaging situations i have been protected from. i can't help but think, or maybe just hope, that there is a reason for that somewhere. Because the normalcy of pain and fear and abuse and addictions and deception is far too great. And it breaks me to the core of who i am that this place our God designed expressly for his treasured children with such care and attention to extraordinary detail is so often the scene of commonplace detachment and stolen hope. We were created for so much more than that. Every single one of us.

i want to be a part of the healing. The rebuilding. The duct taping. Whatever it takes to remove the shards that keep cutting and scrub the layers of dirt off the windows. Life is for everyone. i don't think i'm the only one who was supposed to get the joy and wonder.


"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
- Jesus (John 10:10)

the crazy.

i don't mind being crazy. i used to mind...but i've finally gotten to a place, if only for a moment, where i don't mind. i am a silly, up-and-down, beautiful girl. Even on days that drain my entire being for no other reason than the clouds are dimmer than they should be, or i didn't smile as brightly as i could have to the stranger who looked sad, or my jeans are tighter than i remember them being...i like me. There's alot more to love than the seemingly unstable girl who exists on those days. But that girl is a part of the sweet ball of sunshine who dances around on the other days. The days she takes the most pride in. The sincerity of the sweet ball of sunshine comes from experiencing the full gamut of gray days. i want to be the kind of person who sees the beauty in the mud. Even when it hurts, i can be thankful that i am capable of intense emotion. When the frustrations of life are suffocating, i can be thankful that i know what it is to breathe. My life, in full color, is stunning. My God gave me a gift...a gift i so easily curse. i get to experience life in its entirety. And when i'm a hundred years old, i will have lived. With all the laughing and crying and loving and breaking and experiencing it comes with.

Thank You, Jesus, for the crazy.

afterwhile.

"Stuck between if and when...You pray and tried, but still no end. God’s purpose soon you’ll understand-It won’t hurt you after a while...it won’t hurt you after a while"

-Afterwhile, Yolanda Adams

i'm really intrigued to see what these next few years hold for me. the current challenge is to take it as it comes. any ideas?

Pre New Year's.

maybe i'll make a New Year's resolution to write here everyday.

maybe i shouldn't wait a month before doing something i want to do...

maybe i should just do it.

deal.

in love.

Got some killer shoes. Kinda stoked.

it might be love.

oh, and speaking of love, since the last time i posted anything on here, i fell in it. Love, i mean.

again...pretty stoked.

Drivin' Me Wild

There's this song they've started playing at my work.  i just noticed it a couple days ago.  Now, the songs we get on our Play Network from corporate run the gamut from ultra bubblegum pop royalty to completely unknown artists singing in foreign languages.  So i'm not usually surprised by the things i hear in my day to day retail soundtrack.  But this particular song took me off guard.  i'm not really sure why, because neither Common nor Lily Allen are what i would consider to be groundbreaking sociologists, and it's not like they are singing about something nobody has ever touched on before.  It's not even a new song!  But nevertheless, it struck a chord in me, for whatever reason, and it's now one of my new favorite songs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHS-ShDmai4

"Drivin' Me Wild"

(Common feat. Lily Allen)

It's this thing now, that's drivin' me wild
I gotta see what's up before it gets me down
It's this thing now, that's drivin' me wild
I gotta see what's up before it gets me down
It's this thing now, that's drivin' me wild
I gotta see what's up before it gets me down
No it's not a mystery, it's everything

She was the type to watch Oprah and the Today Show
Be on the treadmill, uh, like "Okay, go"
Had a body, A body that you can't pay fo'
That mean she had some Ds on her but they wasn't fake though
Had a drive for a drive for Rodeo
She spent pesos on those Lebeaus
Spin class at the gym, strip tease on a pole
She was so obsessed with her body and clothes
To every party she goes, tryin hard to be chose
They say it's hard for a pimp but extra hard for these (hoes)
Readin Us and People Mag, tryna get the scoop
Chasin a actor for a Bentley Coupe
She been through the ball player from the Clippers, then came the pumps
All thinkin she number one where she was just a jumpoff
Doin all she can for a man and a baby
Drivin herself crazy like the astronaut lady

It's this thing now, that's drivin' me wild
I gotta see what's up before it gets me down
It's this thing now, that's drivin' me wild
I gotta see what's up before it gets me down
It's this thing now, that's drivin' me wild
I gotta see what's up before it gets me down
No it's not a mystery, it's everything

He had paper since we was in we was in high school
Pop was a doc, mom taught at my school
Lock with the rocks, in his ears he kept jewels
One of the Diddy types, da D-D-Dame Dash dudes
Pushed a Maserati Sport, readin the Robb Report
Wanted to be Mike but he was never live at sports
Since golf is in he was on the drivin course
To live the rap life is what he was strivin for
Spendin cash at the bar to get credit
Drinkin Chaundon just because Big said it
They say Ye is but dude was big headed
Rocked the fur in the summer so somebody'd pet it
He had a fetish for shoes that's athletic
Pathetic on his MySpace page half nekkid
It's a shame what they do for fame and to be respected
Joe, you coulda got it if you never woulda stressed it

It's this thing now, that's drivin' me wild
I gotta see what's up before it gets me down
It's this thing now, that's drivin' me wild
I gotta see what's up before it gets me down
It's this thing now, that's drivin' me wild
I gotta see what's up before it gets me down
No it's not a mystery, it's everything

They was one of them couples, people said they were the it
Unbreakable, like Bobby and Whit
Or Ryan and Reese, or Kimora and Russ
Relationships can be dead but look live to us
I guess we all been through it where we try too much
Losin yourself and you're lyin and stuff
Wishin for the diamond cuffs, in search of a ring
Where love is not a mystery it's everything

It's this thing now, that's drivin' me wild
I gotta see what's up before it gets me down
It's this thing now, that's drivin' me wild
I gotta see what's up before it gets me down
It's this thing now, that's drivin' me wild
I gotta see what's up before it gets me down
No it's not a mystery, it's everything

Gets me down
Gets me down 
Gets me down
Gets me down
Gets me down
Gets me
No it's not a mystery, it's everything